Back in February 2020, we went to a beach and an aquarium. We had a lovely day and it was a fond memory.
When my husband suggested we return there this year, I was glad. I had remembered the place and enjoyed it.
We left early (for us) and thought we had timed our child’s nap correctly but of course – the best laid plans and all that – and just a scant few minutes before we arrived she was asleep.
My husband suggested that we go to another place but I insisted we come back when she woke up. I don’t know why but I knew we had to come back.
We went to get lunch and she woke up shortly after that. And with lunch finished, we returned.
It wasn’t until we were walking all together, the 3 of us when I realized that we had come here before -everything.
And sure enough, after checking the pictures and dates in my phone, a little over 3 years we stood in the same place. It was just a few days before my hospital stay and then about a month before covid restrictions started.
But our daughter wasn’t there. Instead, Daizu Chan was.
As I looked at our daughter, carrying an Anpanman ball and navigating the sand, I felt we had come full circle. We were supposed to come back here. I cried a little. Not from sadness but from peace and joy. It’s a beautiful lovely feeling and I wish I could wrap it up and let you hold it just for a second. If feelings could be held and shared, I would want you to carry it and let that warmth come to you.
And with that background, I think it’s time for me to share. Not in misery, not in sadness, but joy.
I have a burden I’ve carried for these past years. And now it’s time to let it be out of my head and shoulders. To share it. To take that feeling of the full circle and come out of it. Not be inside anymore.
I want to share the story of Azuki and Daizu.
“Mizuko” – I first really heard this word after my miscarriage in 2019. Mizuko is a Japanese word that can be defined as the pregnancies that end, or that don’t result in a healthy baby.
Azuki Chan was the first mizuko that we had together, Yoshi and I. In fact, Azuki traveled with me to America when I was (looking back now) so lucky to be able to see my family before everything happened. Azuki and I traveled to America but only I physically returned.
I like to think that Azuki wanted to stay to bridge both countries. Because here’s what I realized – Azuki was always supposed to be my mizuko.
It wasn’t long after Azuki chan that Daizu chan came. However something wasn’t right from the start. I didn’t know what. I had physical symptoms immediately that made me think I was having a miscarriage. I ended up changing doctors and I am so glad I did – the third doctor found (after a very painful search) that Daizu chan was ectopic.
Do you know about ectopic pregnancy? Instead of implanting in the uterus, the embryo implants into somewhere else – in my case one of my fallopian tubes. Ectopic pregnancies can only end in a surgical or medical intervention. They will never become viable pregnancies. Daizu chan was my second mizuko.
And now I wonder if you are wondering why I gave names to my pregnancies?
Well, it’s because I honestly thought I may never be able to carry a pregnancy. It’s because Azuki and Daizu are names of beans in Japanese. Tiny embryos, small beans. I gave them names and I told them that if they wanted to stay, they could stay. But if they wanted to go, they could go. I would be happy either way with what they chose.
And they chose to be mizuko. Well, biology basically chose that they were not viable but I am a sentimental person.
I chose to think of my experiences as not losses – both pregnancies were never meant to end as children.
But they were both experiences I went through. It happened. And I choose how I feel. And I don’t feel that I lost anything. I gained mizuko. My mizuko.
I am glad I went through the experiences. I mean while we would all prefer to live easy stress-free lives but we can’t always. Our ships encounter rough waters. But if we are lucky, we can let our experiences help us for the better and not worse.
Now, if you remember, I called my daughter “My Little Friend” from the beginning.
She didn’t get a bean name.
It’s because – I asked her to stay. I asked her to be my “gudetama” – my little lazy egg that would stay and become my child.
And she did.
The reason why our 3rd pregnancy resulted with a baby is a story for another time. And one I feel like I will be able to share better in the future.
But first I had to share about Azuki and Daizu.
I hope I hope I hope you take away from this story love and gain, not loss. Joy, not suffering. And not because I we had a baby. That isn’t why. If we never ended up with our daughter I KNOW I would have been okay.
Instead please please please take away that not everything turns out like we hope. It could be worse. It could be unexpected. It can be better.
But we choose. It may not be immediately but with help and maybe some luck and love there is hope.
And when I talk about Azuki and Daizu, I am not sharing trauma. I am sharing the experiences that have shaped me. I share my joy that it happened. I don’t want to hide this part of me. And with this sharing this now, at this time, I feel more free.
With all my love,
Heather
